Devastating Grief

My wife and I were planning on having children. We had names picked out and had tried for a while. We were never able to conceive, and now, due to other issues, she is going to have a hysterectomy. We are both grief-stricken over having this choice taken from us. Any ideas on how we might get beyond this loss of these 'children of our hearts'?

I am so sorry to hear of this devastating loss for you. Losing something you have thought of, planned for, and dreamed about is a difficult experience. Actually, beyond difficult and more like tragic. My condolences for your loss.

Hopes and dreams that you had have been taken away from you, and you have the added challenge that there is no concrete closure. There isn't a service or a place to go and mourn this loss. It is all inside of you. In order to get through it, you need to get that grief out.

Some women / couples find that going to grief therapy can help them process the loss. This of course requires finding a counselor or group that truly understands the magnitude of this loss. They need to treat it for what it is to you: a mental / psychological miscarriage.

You might want to try journalling. Also, if you had names for your children, write them letters. Talk about the things you were going to do and the lives you were going to live together. You can have some sort of a ceremony to bury or burn the letters to provide closure.

You can create a memorial box. Maybe pick out an outfit you would have bought your child, fill out a memory book possibly letting your child know about you, and find pictures from magazines or your own life that make you think of what your child would have looked like. Again you can choose to bury or burn the box, but it provides a concrete way for you to express your grief and loss.

Additionally you can plant a tree or garden in memory of the child you lost. If you bury your letter or your memorial box, you might add a significant marker for it such as an angel, a cross, something bearing their name, or a comforting statement.

The important thing for you is to find the things that help you grieve and open a path for you to move forward while honoring the children of your heart.

This content was written by staff of by non-medical professionals based on discussions, resources and input from other patients for the purpose of patient-to-patient support.