For you, I give up

by s0ng81rd

Sometimes I write letters to my future husband that isn't here yet. I found this website "letters to my ex" where I can anonymously send, and get that feeling of closure knowing someone out there gets to read my message. I find it oddly comforting. Here is my latest one.

Song I'm currently listening to: Phaeleh "Twilight".... Beautiful music to read along too.

This past Monday, I went through with the biggest decision of my life without you by my side. I found a doctor that listened and allowed me to see what was going on surgically. She found a lot of scar tissue wrapped around my organs. There's no cure to my problem and it comes back vigorously, resulting with more surgeries to monitor and control pain. Weeks later, I went back to my doctor to let her know my pain is back. Got another surgery... went well for a few months and the pain came back, it always comes back... Then I got permission from my insurance to have a hysterectomy.
I waited months to get an appointment and discuss my options and if that was the way to go for pain relief. I prayed about it, asked for answers and if I'm meant to be a Mother, then something will go wrong where I can't get the surgery anymore. I prayed for the urge to want a baby and become pregnant, but I didn't feel that way and with the world the way it is.... I don't want to bring a life into this chaos. I can't do this on my own.
I'm sorry, I can't wait for you. I can't stop wondering, "What if?" "Will I miss out?" "Will I lose the love of my life because he wants his own children?" "Will I regret having the surgery?" "Am I being selfish?" So many things,
I really want kids, I really want my own with you. I really thought I would have 3 before I turned 30. I really thought we'd already be married so we can experience those priceless memories together. In so many ways, I was wrong, I'm still wrong. I have so many doubts in myself.
I don't know what is it going to take to cross paths with you or if I missed the opportunity. I can't wait in pain anymore, I wasn't stable enough to bring a new soul into this world without you it's too late. I'm sorry.

For you, I give up.
I give up that life I thought I would have by now
I give up on years of happy and love-filled memories shared
I give up on our "first's together" in this life
I give up on missing you
I give up on waiting to have children together
I give up on believing you will ever be there for me
I give up on caring anymore
I give up trying
I give up...
I give up on you