Dear Honey...

Dear Honey,

I wish you could read my mind...I have such low self confidence that the entire day the same thought runs through my head...."I am not worthy...I am not worth it...I am not loved...."

I feel like a failure...
At work, at being a mom, at being a wife...
I tell you to leave because some small part of me prays you find a girl who can do everything you want her to do for you. I am to tired, to unmotivated, to down on myself to be much of anything these days, or any day....

The hysterectomy just feels like another failure, thats why I have been working so hard to act like nothing is wrong...I'm not in pain, I am not tired...I can recover fast...

That being said...when I get angry, lash out, tell you to leave, it's because I know I have screwed up and there is nothing more I can say to fix it, and when I am cornered...the only thing I know how to do is lash out. What I really want...more then anything...is for you to grab me by the shoulders, stare me down and then hug me...hard...I don't need the reprimand...I need the security in knowing my husband knows I messed up...and that I feel awful for it, and I am going to beat myself up over it...so to be angry at me is frivolous because I am mad enough at myself for both of us.

You have been incredibly helpful during this recovery period and I will be forever grateful for it. You have helped with the kids, the cleaning, the dishes and laundry...and I should have thanked you, or showed some sort of gratitude....but I really haven't, I am not sure why...maybe it's hormones...maybe it's just being so worn out from all of this...I don't know.

Anyway, I am sorry...I keep picturing in my head how I would love for us to be...able to give hugs and walk away happy and satisfied, able to hold hands and not feel anxious, able to kiss without embaressment, or anger, or sadness....able to work together to make this house, a happy home....

I'm sorry...