To MY Jpantz

by NRMcCoy

....I know that the past few years haven't always gone the way we planned, but you've always been there. You stood by my side, tears in your eyes crying when the doctor told us we would never have another baby. I remember our late night talks about how selfish we were being because we had a beautiful daughter, yet we wanted another baby. We prayed together and cried together. You supported my decision to start fertility treatments even though we were told that it probably wouldn't work. I know that it must have been so hard for you emotionally, regardless of how strong you tried to be for me. I am so thankful that you were my rock through such a difficult time when I blamed myself for our "incomplete" family. You were there when the doctor told us that we were pregnant and having another miracle baby!

I saw the fear in your eyes when you heard the word "hysterectomy"..I saw the tears in your eyes when you heard " 3 days" yet you tried to make me laugh even though you knew I was terrified. I am so proud of you for the way you held it all together. You made sure the babies were taken care of and happy, the house was clean and that I had support at the hospital while you did all of that. I know you were going non stop for 18 hours a day trying to make it all work. You couldn't have done a better job.

Now, even though you think I've officially gone crazy, you're by my side. Tonight you made me laugh (through the tears) when you said you would be at my doctors appointment to discuss my hormones because you needed the doctor to understand that I had lost all control. I know you're trying hard to not get defensive when I scream about you breathing too loud. I know you try to tell me I'm beautiful and that you love me when I'm crying about not being good enough. I need you now...just as much as I've always needed you. I can't promise that I wont cry when the waitress asks if I want Coke instead of Pepsi. I can't promise that I won't scream when you ask if I'm okay. However, I promise that I'll always love you with all of my heart. You are an amazing daddy to our children, and an even more amazing husband. I hope that our doctor can work another miracle and help me balance out so that I can show you how much I love you every day for the rest of our lives.