letter to my friends

by LavendeRose

I may have posted this in the wrong spot (in post op) So I am also posting it here. I hope that's ok! I didn't think about it until after I had already posted.

I wrote a letter to my friends and family about how I am REALLY feeling here it is... anyone else feel this way?

I was just looking at some pictures and thought about the faces in them. I recently posted a pic of me. It is not a "good" picture. It is an acurate one however. In the picture I am wearing no makeup, have huge dark circles under my eyes, am not smiling, I just look generally bad. It's not that I am in a particularly bad mood or anything. I just am. I am guilty like many people of putting on a face. I put on makeup and a smile to cover up. People ask how some one is all the time but do they truly want to know? Probably not. People ask me and I say "tired" or "fine" but what am I really saying?

It's time to fess up here ladies and Gentlemen!

I am telling the truth when I say I am tired. I am bone weary tired! My body as been to hell and hasn't come back yet. If life allowed it I would sleep 20 plus hours a day. I actually have done that several times lately. I really don't mean to but my body is demanding it. I am doing just the bare basics when it comes to activities (and some times not even that!)

Why do I think that no one really wants to know the answers? Because I have posted several of these blog posts that no one has bothered to read... even when I have invited them to! Heck I don't want to know LOL

Here are the facts... on Nov 7th of last year I had major surgery. I had a tumor the size of a basketball that I had to have removed. It was killing me! I had been in severe pain for quite a while and was quite anemic. So I had no choice. It was a matter of survival. It took a lot out of me... no pun intended! Less than 2 weeks after my operation people began making comments like "oh you aren't back to normal yet?" Ummm nooooo I have an incision that is over a foot long! I started feeling like something must be wrong with ME that I wasn't recovering as fast as people seemed to think I should be. I asked my doctor and he laughed at me! NOW they (the "experts") tell me that my recovery will take a year or more! " I have already lost so much of my life to this I can't spare another year!" I say. "Tough!" they say. "These things take time". So most of the time I wear my "face" because with out it you would see so many things that you may not want to see... scared, determined, sad, hopeful, exhausted, and many many more things that I try to hide.

So, Don't tell me I should be back to normal... It doesn't help! Don't tell me you had your tubes tied or a c section or what ever. It's not the same! It doesn't help! If you want to help PRAY!

Next time you see me and I have a big smile on my face, I am probably just thanking God to be alive and vertical! Next time you ask someone how they are, really mean it! If you don't really want to know don't ask! I have decided that I will tell the truth the next time someone asks me. The truth is I have been better and hope to be better again soon!

I love you guys dearly! I want you to know that. None of us knows how many days we have. I may be fighting the effects of poor healt but I could still outlive you!

God Bless and love ALWAYS,