I am sorry I failed us, Baby.

by Litha

Oh God Baby, I dont even know where to begin. I wanted so much to give you a child. I feel like I have killed our dreams and failed you. Yes, I know I dont have a choice. Yes, I realize that you would rather have me safe and alive than the off chance we could have a child. I know its not rational.

When the miscarriage happend, I was sure you would leave me. When the surgeries for the cysts, adhesions and cancer started, I was sure you would leave me. When the months turned to years and we still werent pregnant, I was sure you would leave me. With each certainty that you would leave me, you insted showed me that your commitment to me is solid. So now this... I wont say that I havent had moments of being sure you are going to leave me. I know it sounds so silly.. me of all people, insecure in Our relationship. I see the dumbfounded confussion on your face each time I express that I was sure you were gone. The only fear that I have ever had for us is that you will decide that you need a child. Even though you continually tell me that you dont want one unless it can be with me and that just me is enough.

By the way.. you have been amazing. In my every odd attempt to feel better or even ok about all of this. Not batting an eye when you came home to find I had dyed my hair pink.. then purple. Letting me spend money we dont have for "depressed shopping" on stuff we dont need. Holding me tight and letting me soak your chest with my tears. Continually reminding me that I am not a burdon on you. You had held me when I needed it and walked away when I needed you to. You seem to intuitively know what it is I need before I do. I know it must look like I have gone out of my mind at times.. you have handled every mood swing, change in attitude and wild idea like you knew it was coming. I cant imagine going through this without you and I am so grateful you are with me. Some days its knowing you love me that makes me continue to fight.

So I am sorry, I am sorry I cant give you a child and show you that you would be the amazing father I know you would be. I am sorry my body has different goals than our hearts. I am sorry I am not stronger. I am sorry for feeling like I have to be. I am sorry for thinking you expect me to be strong. I am sorry for us. I am sorry for this loss. I am sorry I cant make our dreams come true. and worst of all , I am sorry that I cant help but feel like I failed us.