Where to begin

by medic3

To my other 1/2
I am not sure where to begin this letter .
5 years ago we got married after dating for close to 10 years . Things were great when we dated , and for the first year of our marriage . Then things went south. Your dad needed you , and so did I . I did complain about the small stuff but still supported you and your dad . Then your mom needed you I supported you and her till she jsut pushed a bit to hard .
You made promises that you did not keep . Every night I wonder what I did that was so wrong to tick you off ?
What made you so mad at me ?
We use to laugh but you pulled away shortly after having your "procedure" done . It has not been the same since .
I do 99% of the house work with out fail , I scoop the poop from the cats , change the cages for the birds and do the fish tanks, vacume every day all as part of my duties , I do the groceries , and I always ask before spending a dime . I never or rarely ask for any monies .
Now I know you do the laundry for the most part , I cook your meals and do the rest .. You act that I am forever endebited to you .
I know that our bills are out of hand and that you are the only one working . I try to understand that you have a 2 hour commute , and I worry about you when you are travelling .
I do miss you when you are gone , I worry if something happened to you what would I do?
You are my world but you have made that hard , I get angry and nasty , I have explained that it is the hormones . You and I have not made love in 4 years! I tried to explain to you that I need you and want you but your pulling away has made me hurt and angry at you , it has damaged our marriage ,will that be fixed ? I dont know when 2 people pull away like that it makes it darn near impossible to fix .I hold the anger in but then when I am alone and thinking I think of you and "us" and what use to be . Gone are the days of "us" it is just you and me now seperate people with seprate goals . We are not 2 as 1 we are now 1 on 1 . That is a lonely life and a path that just should not have been traveled . I have ask you to "try" but you get mad and then say I have it is all you ! Then I get mad . The anger has been pent up and is boiling . Trying to start over is that possible to put all the hurt behind us ?
I know it is not easy to have a SIL saying that they have a perfect marriage , or to have friends that have a perfect (or so it seems) marriage . But we could have had that had you not broken promises and dreams ! We could have that if I can get past the hurt but we are married "friends " with out benifits ! That HURTS . That is a big part of it there. You wont try ! That HURTS . I have begged I have thrown it in your face it doesnt help That HURTS .
And unless things start to change right here right now TODAY , our marriage will be over with my pain that I have ever month 3 weeks out of the month , year after year !
I am no longer strong enought to continue to threatin divorce or to say I hate you . I no longer have it in me to fight . You know as I said every time you leave here I worry about you . And wonder what would happen if I dont make it off the table I know you say you would miss me but would you ? This is gonna be a lonly fight for me as I dont have the support that I need ! I can not wonder where I will be where we will be . But if things dont start changing today NOW it is over I need to take care of ME and only ME now . I always put every one before me now it is MY turn .
I want my best friend , my lover and my world back! Is it to late ?

There are a few things you need to do and should have
been able to figure them out on your own but never did !

Release the pain.
Put me and us first above all else !
Take time for us support US !
Take steps to heal US ! And show that you mean it !
Acknowledge me !
Acknowledge the stuff that I do for US ! As I acknowledge the stuff you do for US!
Put the bad stuff that has happened behind you and start trying !
Listen dont try to instigate .
Support US try to make it work if not now NEVER will it happen .
Try to understand my point of view and that I am a person too.
Be my partner my equal !
Dont throw "it" in my face , I will respect you and not throw "it" in your face
Pick up after yourself , pick up even if it is not yours and put it away . Even if you did not use it did it benifit you ?
IF we do NOT stop and rediscover US it will be to late or is it already ?

The lonliest road is the road traveled alone when you have a partner !
I love you and miss my partner and I always will !