Apologizing now

by tattooedneck

I am apologizing now for the torment that I am going to put you through. For I know it has already started in little ways.
Yesterday for example. At work I can be nice on the phone and to the people that I work with because I don't wantor need them. Everyday there is almost this facade that I put on especially for the customers. I mean, people call to make appointment with the "really nice girl with the tattoo on her neck". They don't remember my name but they remember me being nice, listening to them, reassuring them and their pets loving me. I have to maintain that. At work I still have to function as if I am not scared. I have to keep all emotions in check there. Then you come in and I don't have to be that way with you, I can be myself and let my guard down. I am sorry that comes off as being mean or ****ty with you.
Then I come home and you are still anger with me, which I completely understand. But being the bullheaded person that I am, I don't tell you what is going on. So we spend the evening in silence.
I am scared to death of having this procedure. I worried about who's going to help take care of the kids while I am recoping. What about the house, the groceries all the little things. I want to make plans but don't know where to start. And you just don't seem to care. I know that is your way of dealing with this but it is not helping me at all.
You know, I never wanted children until your children came to live with us. I just never thought I was parent material, too afraid to be like my mother. But you allowed me to make mistakes and see what worked for me. I wanted so much to have a child with you. Even before this procedure, we knew that it was not really possible. But I held onto this idea that magically it would happen. Each month when my period would come a part of me died. Now even that dream is going to be gone. I am angry about that; furious actually. You have chldren, so do you really know what that feels like to me?
So, I want to apologize for being "mean" or cold with you. I feel alone and scared. Know that I love you and always have and always will. Try to be patient with me and no matter how hard it is, love me anyways.
I love you more than life itself.