You don't remember, becausae you never knew... by clynnlarson
My darling Nelson,
We had been back in touch for a few months, talking on the phone again-and it was just like old times. WOW, how had I let you go, again and again, and again, throughout my life? Ok, let you go, that was putting it mildly..I ran you off. My Aunt Melinda always asked me, "What the Heck, are you afraid to be happy? You LOVE that guy!" She was right. I loved you from the first time I saw you-and I was only 15, then. I didn't have a CLUE what true love was, then...but you were going to show me-eventually. Anyway, I was SO happy to be talking to you again-and spending SO many hours a night doing it. I remember the night you said you loved me-that you still loved me, and that you had always loved me. Then you asked me if I was going to hang up and run away again. Do you remember that? I wanted to! You didn't know, right then, that I was having so many problems with my health.
I guess that is something I should have told you earlier. I was afraid, but that's no excuse. I am sorry that I waited and didn't tell you, the day they told me. I was scared-the word cancer is frightening-and I never thought that anyone would say it to me, ABOUT me. I didn't want to scare you. I knew you'd be on the next plane to Texas, and you, me, and my soon to be ex husband in the same town would have been less than comfortable-you know he stalked me and made my life hell. I didn't tell you I was having the hysterectomy until 2 days before I had it, and that wasn't fair to you. You had to sit and suffer, wondering what was happening to the woman you loved. I had my best friend call you and tell you...when you wanted to be the one there, holding my hand. You had to hear the whole nightmare, way after it happened, and that was so wrong. I am so glad you forgave me. I told you a lot of the details, as you sat in Florida, horrified. You were always my pilar of strength-but as I told you what I went through, I heard something in your voice that I'd never heard before-something that helped me realize that you had really changed-that you really DID want me in your life FOR good, and that you really did love me. Steph told you a lot of what went on, from her nursing, medical terminology-and I told you what happened, the details I wanted you to know. What I'm about to say to you,
you don't remember, because you never knew..
When I woke up in Recovery, I KNEW something was wrong-so very wrong. I hate pain, but this was pain so bad that it was blinding. They kept shooting more Demerol into my line and giving me more Ativan-it didn't do anything but knock me out-what were they thinking? They didn't know-I know that, now...it wasn't their fault. They moved me to ICU. That's when it all started to happen...the first time I started to crash-Sheri had snuck in to ICU-she told them she was my sister and pitched such a fit they let her in just so she'd shut up. I think she was holding my hand. I know I had been crying because the pain wouldn't stop-and I was begging them to tell me why. She told me I looked like a ghost, and I remember thinking all of a sudden that I couldn't breathe-and I could feel my heart pounding-my whole body was shaking out of control, and my head felt like it was going to explode-and I yelled your name as loud as I could. But I wasn't yelling. They told me later I was whispering, "Nelson, please come, Nelson please..." over and over as they were bringing the crash cart in. I remember a bunch of people seeming to jump up on my bed, and I just remember thinking that I was going to die without ever seeing Tori's sweet curls around her face again, and that I would never hold Ian's hand again, and that I had not touched you in 6 years. I remember waking up saying your name, and I found out it was a few hours later.
The ICU nurses were hoovering around my bed like I was a rock star they were waiting to get an autograph from. One of them actually asked me, "Sweetie, who is Nelson? Can I call him for you?" She said I said your name non stop while I was passed out, after they brought me back to life. BACK TO LIFE? Well, you know that I crashed 3 more times before they finally realized I was bleeding internally, to death. You know B was there-and that I couldn't exactly ask him to call you and tell you what was going on. Right before they took me in for the repair surgery, the priest came in. He asked if I had any requests of him, and I gave him your name and phone number, and told him that if I died, he needed to call you. That you would be the one to need to tell my family. Glad I didn't go, huh?
When I was being taken in to surgery, as I was fading out, thanks to the meds-I kept thinking to myself of the things I needed to stay alive for-Tori, Ian, and YOU. There was NO way I was going to leave this world with things left undone with you. You KNOW that I came to my senses after almost dying 4 times, and decided to finally be happy, and that I came here, to Florida, and began the best days of my life, with you. You know that I became your wife on November 28, 2003, but there are a few more thoughts I had and things that happened, that you probably don't remember, because you never knew about.
I was scared to death of loving you again. Over the course of at that point, 15 years, we'd had our share of ups and a whole lot of downs...and I wasn't sure that I could ever be what you wanted, for life. You assured me I was wrong, but I had already been WRONG once in my life-that's why I have an ex husband! The nurses at All Saints' convinced me to come down here, for that first visit. They told me I talked about you in my sleep, and when I was awake, and they'd never seen a woman so close to death smile so much-so I had better come down here, or one of them was going to come snatch you up. They were right. You always were the love of my life. You broke my heart SO many times when we were young and stupid...ok, I was young and you were stupid...KIDDING, baby! So it all came together, and here I came, to Florida, for us to have our life together....boy, weren't you surprised to find out that Ian was your son? That is something else that I am very sorry I never told you about, before moving here.
Thank you for loving Tori. She loves you so much. You treat her like she is your own baby girl. I have never met a man as loving and giving as you are. You were always the guy I wanted-and you turned into the man I always wanted. If you have a flaw, I haven't found it. Ok, we know that's not true..but honestly, baby-I have never met a man like you. You are the best, and that's not just words.
So you finally got me here-and we were living together, and life was awesome. Then we got hit with a proverbial brick wall. I remember the minute the Dr. told me. I couldn't believe it. She asked me if I wanted to call and get you there, but you know me, gotta play brave. There was that **** word again-cancer. I will never forget the look in your eyes when I told you. I thought you were going to melt right in front of me. I have never seen love like that in someone's eyes before. Instead of feeling like the Dream I was living was coming to an end, I realized that nothing was dying-and you weren't going to let me, either. Even though the Dr. told me we might not have long. It sure did move our wedding plans up, though, didn't it?
I told you that you didn't have to marry me. You always said you'd never get married-unless it was to me-that was when we were all in our early 20's, sitting around, drinking. Then when I moved here, we had decided we'd be blissfully living in sin for eternity, and that was fine with me-even though you proposed a month after we moved in together. We had a beautiful wedding, didn't we? You know what? Aside from being my children's mother, there is nothing else in this world I'd rather be than your wife. We have been through it all. When I went in for my BSO last year, to take care of the cancer, I told my Dr. that I didn't want her to scare you, not to tell you anything if you were alone. You didn't know that, did you? Don't get mad. I know you'd prefer to find things out and deal with them alone. I just hate the thought of you sitting in a room, and hearing bad news.
You have stood by me through the surgeries, in Texas, and the ones here, the chemotherapy, my lost hair, my hair growing back, the radiation, the clinical trial....you've stood beside me through the HRT-the hot flashes, the night sweats, the MOOD SWINGS...the anti depressants. You've NEVER once gotten mad at me, not even when I've acted irrational and ridiculous. You always let me go off and act like an idiot, only to cry and tell you it was the hormones, later. You always smiled and said "I know, baby. I love you." I don't know any other man in the world who would put up with what you have put up with, baby. You have stood by me, for 18 years, now. Even when we were apart, physically, you were always in my heart. Even when I was married to someone else and didn't get to talk to you for a few years. You have always been the love of my life. You were the one person that I held every other person in comparison to-and no one could ever come close to you baby.
Thank you for still loving me and my body, even though I have gained 20 pounds since I moved here 3 years ago. You somehow make me still feel attractive, and sexy. You will never know how much you mean to me. I will never stop being in awe of how incredible a person you are. I just wanted you to know that. I love you now, and I love you forever.