Babe

by Amra

Babe,
I canít begin to express how scared I am right now. The surgery does frighten me even though I know Iím in good hands and I will be fine and everything will be better once itís over. What really scares me is that you whether intended or not will begin to make me feel more guilt than I already do for having the surgery and because Iím not there for you. I already feel guilty for the amount of time I will need to recover and that everything will be on you again. I feel guilty that you are taking off from work to take care of me and you will have to take care of our daughter, housework, laundry, every meal, and all the other things you already do. Iím afraid you will begin to resent my selfishness in trying to recover at my pace
Iím having a hard time dealing with you minimizing what I say, think and do in regards to this situation. Yes you have supported me in this but you have also downplayed my feelings, emotions and comments in reference to it. I am afraid youíll feel differently about me as a woman when I am recovered. I am afraid you will, as you started to do last night, have had enough and walk away. I donít know why you did stay but thank you for that. I realize you ask questions out of concern but sometimes just a hug, a touch or just holding me and letting me cry (even though you think that is weakness) would help. I understand that when you had your surgery you wanted to be left alone and I respected that. I just donít understand why I have to play by your same rules in regards to my surgery? As I said this morning, ďWhy does my emotional breakdown have to happen on your schedule?Ē I have been holding on as best I can these last few weeks and the closer it gets the more anxious I become. Iím sorry I canít deal with this the way you want me too. Or that what you say to me I canít take with a grain of salt. But right now I need you to support me, be there for me and not be so judgmental of how I handle what is happening to my body. I realize this is happening to our family but WE are not having this surgery I am. Whether you agree or understand it there is a lot of emotion wrapped up in these organs I am having removed. It is where I first felt our baby move, kick, and hiccup. Yes in the end I will be better but please allow me the dignity to mourn the loss and fear the unknown whether it is rational or not. I have tried to be supportive of everything you have done and maybe I havenít done such a great job but I have tried.